


Loathe/Love

by Irrisia



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, First Kisses, Keith has abandonment issues, M/M, Major Character Injury (Mentioned Only), No Dialogue, Not Happy, Secret Relationship, actual dialogue in chapter 4, because that's the best description I have, can you have slow burn feelings when they're already making out?, lance has attention seeking issues, now with second kisses, s2 but Laith-ier, somehow it works for them in this universe, they're both disasters, they're just going to keep kissing every chapter
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-09
Updated: 2019-04-24
Packaged: 2019-09-14 14:33:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 9,587
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16914675
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Irrisia/pseuds/Irrisia
Summary: Their first kiss is almost entirely spite.Almost.--Or: how far can a relationship built on tension and stolen time and kisses go, in the middle of a space war?





	1. Chapter 1

The first time he kisses Keith is almost entirely spite.

Almost.

Training sucks, and melee training with Keith sucks more, when all he can really do is watch as Keith destroys the gladiator robots and Lance- Lance is stuck holding back, not as sure in melee as he would be at a distance. He hates being second best, so much, but he could never begin to catch up to Keith. Keith is more focussed, more angry, just has far more practice. Lance prefers being away from the press, prefers picking his targets, never quite gets into that distant but focussed head space when he's in the middle of battle. And okay, maybe he's neglected his hand to hand training a little because he knows he'll never catch up. He'd rather focus on what he's good at, what he can be useful with. What will make people actually praise him, maybe.

He bets Keith never worries about his place on the team. He watches Keith's back, watches him destroy robots, and it's so easy to be frustrated and annoyed. Keith is good at what he does, Keith has always gotten praised and never seemed to care about it one bit, Keith is- so much Lance is not. And they both know it, too, Lance is sure.

But there's an economy, a strange spare grace to Keith's movements that make him interesting to watch. And honestly, there's no real danger, not with Keith ripping through the gladiators like there's no tomorrow, so Lance is going to feel free to study his new... well, whatever Keith is. Even team mate still feels too strong, when Keith isn't and never has been much of a team player, even in the Garrison. Idly he wonders how many robots the castle can make, because none of these will be even remotely reusable once Keith's done with them, but it's a distant secondary thought to just watching.

Of course, even Keith can't entirely handle a training program meant for two people. Lance takes out the opponents he has to, aware he's already a little out of breath, that his style is nowhere near as smooth and practised as Keith's. It takes him more hits per gladiator, and honestly, he kind of doesn't really care about the training at all, just wants to be out of here and doing something more interesting. Something he's good at.

Of course, Keith notices his lack of enthusiasm. He just waits until the training program is done before he turns on Lance, all fire and frustration, and that's strangely... a good look on Keith. Better than all those sullen, closed off looks, at least, finally some kind of actual emotion. He smiles widely, an expression he knows makes him look a little smug, shrugs like he really doesn't care that Keith is looking at him, finally. Of course, that just winds Keith up further, and for a moment he forgets himself enough to actually get in Lance's space.

And somewhere between the memory of Keith tearing through robots, and all the complicated envy Lance has always felt and Keith has never even bothered to notice, it's easy to lean in himself, still trying to smile like he's in control, lips pressed to Keith's so briefly it barely even counts as a kiss. 

Keith sputters to a halt, all bristling edges and, weirdly, wide eyes, and Lance almost feels bad. Almost, but not bad enough, not when it feels like he has Keith's entire attention for the first time. He makes a throwaway comment, something about finally getting Keith to stop yelling; he's not even sure himself what he says, still looking at the edges of Keith's expression. When it shifts slightly, further into anger, he makes his escape, laughing as he runs.

Keith never mentions it, after, and neither does Lance. It stays with him, even so, comes back to haunt him occasionally when he catches Keith looking at him, angry and still somehow a little lost, or late at night. 

He never regrets it, either.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> find me on my 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lance gets under his skin in a way few people do, and Keith hates that.
> 
> At least, he thinks it's hate.

They don't train alone together for a while, and Keith's not sure if that's something he does subconsciously, Lance does deliberately, or coincidence. In fact, he's very rarely alone with Lance at all, which is helpful for not shoving him against a wall and demanding answers. That would let Lance know he's gotten to a soft spot, and Keith is sure he never wants to let Lance have that. 

It's not at all helpful for getting answers about what the hell Lance was thinking. Because Lance has never liked him, and Keith finds Lance aggravating, and maybe he doesn't have much- or, more accurately, any- experience either way, but he's pretty sure you don't just kiss people you hate and then pretend it never happened. Like Lance himself, it's infuriating and it gets under his skin like the desert sand used to get into his clothes, hot and itchy and impossible to ignore no matter how hard he tries. 

Then again, he's not as good at ignoring things as he'd like, and nowhere near as good as he knows _Shiro_ would like.

Which is why, even worse, he keeps finding himself staring at Lance, still confused. Still remembering the moment he'd thought Lance was just going to say something stupid again, and then the silent brush of lips against his. It's the first time _anyone_ has gotten that close in a very long time, other than Shiro. Most people respond to Keith's body language differently than that, responding to his folded arms and scowl like he's a threat, barely contained and volatile- admittedly, an attitude Keith fosters. It's easier, not getting close. Safer. And he should let the whole thing go, but he _can't_.

By the time they do finally end up training together again, it's almost a relief. This time Lance is on long-distance support, which Keith will absolutely deny he's good at. Just like he'd deny they're a good team, when they're actually focussed. Keith likes to think he's getting better at concentrating on the moment, that strange emotionless place of dealing only with what's in front of him, what needs doing from second to second to survive and win. Lance is the opposite, focus spread over the battlefield, keeping ahead of the game enough to pick off the dangers Keith hasn't seen yet. Between them, they make short work of the program, so much more smoothly than last time. For a moment, he feels something close to calm. irritation brushed away by the fact Lance is taking things seriously for once.

But with the danger down, Lance apparently can't resist showing off and shooting the last gladiator right over Keith's shoulder with a gleeful whoop and a brash comment, and just like that the calm is gone. Of course Lance can't take it seriously. Of course he has to make a mockery of the whole thing. 

A mockery of _Keith_. Just like he did last training session.

Frustrated, he marches closer to Lance, arms folded over his chest again in a way he hopes reads more aggressive than the defensive gesture it really is. Lance watches him come over, and something about him seems dangerous; a tenseness to his shoulders, a glitter in his eyes, a weird tilt to his smile.

And Keith is really not going to think about how it looks on Lance, that strange mix of relaxed and tense. It looks like anticipation, and Keith hates that he doesn't know what it is Lance wants from him.

It looks good.

It takes forever to get close, into Lance's space, and he's sure he's imagining the way Lance leans towards him, just a little. He stops, close enough to almost be touching- and stops, because what does he even say? He has no idea how to bring up what happened, not when Lance will probably laugh it off, and he can't think of what else to say at all.

The silence stretches, Keith caught between the need to say something and the growing urge to leave- but it's Lance who breaks first, shoulders rising defensively in a way Keith recognises, mouth opening to say something that's probably stupid and shallow and intended to push Keith away. Keith beats him to it, surging up- and he hates that Lance is taller than him, too- one hand gripping awkwardly at Lance's armoured shoulder as he kisses him back, all frustration and tension and things he has no idea how to say.

Weirdly, Lance relaxes. Even more weirdly, Lance kisses him _back_ , lips moving under his, not even trying to pull back no matter how easily Keith's hand would slip off the smooth surface of his armour. It's messy, and he's sure Lance's teeth catch on his lips once, and he has no idea how to make it better, but Lance doesn't seem bothered. He just presses in more, hand rising to rest warm against the softer material just under Keith's chestplate- too warm, maybe. Keith finds he doesn't mind at all.

But eventually they have to pull apart, looking at each other with wide eyes, equally breathless and dishevelled. Lance opens his mouth again, and Keith-

Keith flees, before Lance can talk about it. Because whatever just happened, he's not sure he can cope with it right now. It's too much, and he doesn't know what he's doing or why, and there's nothing he can think to say that isn't too open or wouldn't push Lance away or make it clear how little Keith understands what's happening. He feels raw, and it hurts.

But all the same, he keeps going back to that memory, too. And this time, he lets himself. Because if the way Lance responded is anything to go by, Keith is as much under his skin as Lance is under Keith's.

He might be able to live with that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The unnecessary sequel like one person wanted, where Keith doesn't really know what to do with tension and feelings are just weird, man.
> 
> Anyway I liked writing this one, even if it is kind of cliche all-tension-is-romantic nonsense.
> 
> I don't know whether to keep going because man, it turns out there's maybe other shorts I could do here? Like I would love to do a couple more chapters that are like... Lance getting to understand Keith, and maybe the first time they actually talk about the thing, and maybe IDK a chapter when they're a little more comfortable with each other and can manage to actually spend time together that isn't mostly tension-driven makeouts.


	3. Chapter 3

It's been weeks, and things are... different, Lance has to admit. Keith keeps suggesting training, a tense mix of awkward and aggressive, and no matter how many times he does Lance still replies with more enthusiasm than he's entirely comfortable with but can't suppress. It's _Keith_ , and he's all anger and distance and sharp, sometimes grating edges. There's little soft or pretty about the thing between them, and it's so far from what he thought he'd want he doesn't know how he should feel about it.

But there's a thrill every time Lance looks up and catches Keith looking back, even in the middle of the rest of the team. There's a lot of ways Keith looks at him; a quick glance before he looks away that might be shyness if Keith seemed like a person who was capable of that, a slight frown if Lance is being over-talkative, something that looks like tentative curiosity. His favourite is still when Keith obviously hasn't realised he's been caught, staring with his head tilted, focus entirely on Lance for long seconds before he visibly pulls himself away.

And he doesn't ignore Lance at all, after training or in out of the way corridors. Never in rooms people spend time in, but where no-one else is likely to find them? He has Keith's attention, like he's always wanted.

Sometimes there's not much warning at all before Keith is in his space, and Lance totally does not find it strangely charming when he still hesitates there for a moment. Charming, and as time goes on and Keith doesn't stop coming to him and still hesitating no matter how often Lance steps in closer too, a little sad, too. He thinks it's Keith's idea of giving him a chance to pull or push away from the moment and stop whatever it is they're about to do. But Lance has no intention of stopping now, when he's finally getting to see such a different side of Keith, sullen heat turned to something hotter and dangerous. And the kissing is getting better as they learn to tilt their heads the right way and be a little more careful with teeth- even if he's starting to kind of like that too- and respond to each other in the ways that feel right rather than awkward. It takes practice, but they get a lot of it in, and Lance is so not complaining about that when he can sometimes get Keith in close enough to feel warmth all down his front, or to make a soft breathy noise when he finall pulls back.

Sometimes he reaches forward first, fingers knotting in the side of whatever outfit Keith is wearing, just above the waist. Sometimes Keith is too quick, already pushing up to meet him, hand resting somewhere on Lance's chestplate or jacket. Sometimes he wishes Keith would leave his hand somewhere less protected, but-

He gets it, now.

Because the little pause, and the hand going somewhere safe, and man, just the entire awkward sullen Keith thing? It all adds together, once Lance pays some attention of his own. It's a safety net, for the rejection Keith is sure will come. Lance can recognise it now, relate it to his own problems, even if it's nothing like his own tendency to get over-attentive. And despite everything, he doesn't want to reject Keith, no matter how risky it feels. He doesn't want to lose the moments that leave him heated and light-headed, or the way Keith sometimes stops and looks up at him with a crease between his eyebrows and a baffled expression that is really out of place on someone who usually looks so fierce, or a single stolen moment of time between seemingly endless training and battles and war talk.

So Lance learns. He makes sure he gets whatever top layer he's wearing off as soon as it's safe, if he wants to be able to feel the warmth of Keith's hand through a single layer of fabric, even if it's still always over his chest or shoulder. He learns that approaching first makes Keith uncomfortable and wary, so he needs to at least wait until Keith is close of his own accord, because wary Keith backs off so much faster it isn't even remotely funny. He discovers after a training exercise gone wrong that if he gets injured, he'd better be ready for Keith to find him because he does not seem to appreciate that much- although Lance doesn't appreciate Keith getting hurt, either, so he supposes it's fair. And Keith is generally a little more amenable to letting Lance actually slip an arm around his waist when one of them does get injured, even if he stays a little tense while it's there. He finds that he can sometimes get away with tugging the end of Keith's hair, and does even if it's a little too playground crush obvious. The mullet is still a terrible hairstyle, but it's easier to live with when it's kind of soft and he can sometimes get Keith to make a weird little noise when he pulls a strand of hair.

He learns Keith closes off if Lance gets too personal or over the top with the flattery- even if Keith's eyes _are_ prettier than he thought- but that he's okay with the occasional compliment if it's about something he's done or if Lance phrases it more like an insult. He learns Keith can never be coaxed to talk about the past, but sometimes he will throw in just enough of a sentence for Lance to feel kind of angry on his behalf, and there's a statement he never thought he'd make. Still wouldn't, because Keith doesn't _want_ pity, and Lance wouldn't give it.

He learns that Keith feels a lot less breakable than he looks sometimes, wiry and unfairly stronger and tougher than Lance despite being smaller and thinner, but his emotions are a different matter entirely. And because of that, Lance learns not to try to talk about it.

Because the instant he starts, it's like Keith knows, and backs off. It's so frustrating, sometimes, when all Lance wants to do is make him understand there's not going to _be_ a rejection. If Keith wants to be close, Lance will let him, however hot he burns or how sharp those broken edges turn out to be. For no more reason than because Lance is selfish, and there are things he doesn't want to give up, starting with the way his heart beats just a little faster when they're alone. Or that moment when he catches Keith staring again and gets to feel a little smug, or the both literal and metaphorical warmth whenever he manages to push Keith into forgetting to leave space between them. It's a rapidly growing list, and some of the items on it are starting to get a little silly- Keith's fingers sometimes curl a little like he wants to hold tighter but doesn't dare and that's something dangerously close to cute- but it's fine. He likes the list, and he'd do almost anything to keep expanding it.

Even if it means learning to keep his mouth shut; never an easy task, and he slips so often because he wants to know whether things are the same for Keith. Whether what they're doing means something to him, or not. But even if he won't talk, Keith comes back, and-

It's enough. For now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> that one got longer? Anyway. I am still very here for this nonsense, spoilers be damned, because canon has never stopped me yet.
> 
> Next chapter might be the one they actually start talking.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Keith would really rather not think about it, but then Lance gets hurt and he might have to.

He keeps running when Lance gets that serious expression, the one where his eyebrows tilt down a little and he opens his mouth and hesitates like he knows Keith doesn't want to hear it. It's unfair of him to leave when he sees it, he knows, and he hates that he cares about that now when it's _Lance_ , because Lance is still so frustrating when he's playing up for the group and still apparently can't stop trying to push sometimes when they're alone. But at the same time, that's why he should stay. If Lance looks serious, it's probably important, because that's the only time he does. The rest of the time, he's honestly kind of goofy with how much he exaggerates everything, although Keith is starting to find it more amusing than frustrating.

It's just- if he stays and listens, then it sets what they do and are in stone. Keith isn't sure which would be worse, if the whole thing is just some kind of weird stress relief for Lance that he's starting to feel guilty about and wants to stop, or- if he'd actually put a name to whatever is happening when they meet in dark corners and after training.

If it's all nothing to Lance, then Keith will feel stupid, because even if talking is off the table- it's so easy to believe Lance might actually care, sometimes. He smiles when Keith gets close, hands held out like he's impatient, and he certainly seems eager to get things started. They don't always kiss now- sometimes it's easy to just stand close, face down against Lance's shoulder, hesitantly loop his arm around Lance's waist in a way he's sure is awkward but never gets complaints about. Sometimes they just sit next to each other, thigh pressed to thigh, and he lets Lance ramble about whatever dumb thing he likes because Lance might like the sound of his own voice but it's growing on Keith, too. He lets Lance pull at his hair to tease- and later, run his fingers through it, even if he's still teasing Keith about the lack of style. But he can still persuade himself that it's nothing, that that's just Lance being curious or wanting to talk, so easily. And Lance is... well, he still flirts, and that for everyone else it's just words and never touches doesn't necessarily mean anything.

And if it is something else, something he doesn't want to give a name, then he can lose it. The way he lost Shiro for a whole year, the way he lost his dad- the people Keith cares about are always leaving him behind. Logically, he knows that's not really a fair way to assess the situation and nobody _chooses_ to die or be kidnapped by aliens or shuffled away to another orphanage.

It doesn't mean it won't happen again.

So even if he finds excuses to spend time with Lance, even if he's always tense with worry whenever Lance gets hurt because it could so easily be worse, and even if he's just as tense when Lance is obviously concerned about one of Keith's injuries because he doesn't know what to do when that worry is aimed at him- he doesn't want to think about it. And Lance eventually seems to get it. He still sometimes watches Keith with that weird look, but he never follows it up.

Keith almost hates him for that, too, because Lance shouldn't let himself be used that way. He does hate himself a little for the relief when he nudges Lance or tilts his head the exact way he know Lance takes as a challenge and the look passes without a word and things go back to their normal, the precipice a few steps away again. He can live with what he has, and at least if he loses that he'll be okay, because if he doesn't think of it as something it isn't really anything.

And then the ground drops out beneath him.

It should just be a routine battle, but there's more ships than they expected and they all get separated. They're still doing okay, but then Pidge's voices comes over the comms, sharp and worried that she's getting surrounded, and Lance responds as he would for any of them. And okay, he pulls it off- Lance is a better flier than Keith likes to acknowledge, partly to tease- but he's also reckless and he pulls half of Pidge's attackers away while he still has his own tail. And then _he's_ surrounded, and it takes Keith and Hunk a little longer to get over there and pull him out, and in that time he takes one or two hits too many.

Lance comes out the pod fine, eventually. He's immediately set on by Hunk and Pidge, but he still manages to look around until he meets Keith's gaze- for about a moment, before he drops it like it burns, and starts demanding praise from the room for his super cool rescue. Maybe his game does burn; Keith feels angry enough.

And maybe, too, he's a little frustrated he can't go to Lance right now. If he's reluctant to name the thing between them, he's even more reluctant to let anyone else see it and name it. It's not quite a secret, because that would imply there's something to hide, but- he doesn't want this to be how anyone finds out, either.

Then Lance is gone, swept off by Hunk and Pidge, and Keith is left to go work out some of whatever tense energy infects him. He actually trains, hard, until he's heated and tired, and he still feels-

Afraid, his mind supplies, because it's a traitor.

"Thought I'd find you here," Lance says behind him, and Keith grits his teeth because he really needed more time to deal with- everything. He's always needed time to work through his feelings, or bury them properly.

He could probably just ignore Lance and go back to training until he left. Keep away until it's clearly done and he can forget all the moments they've spent together and Lance is back to just being annoying and kind of stupid and Keith doesn't want to kiss him. It's tempting, in a lot of ways. He can close back down, only focus on what's in front of him just like he does in battle. There's no risk of getting uncontrollably hurt that way, because there'll be nothing more to lose.

Instead he turns to face Lance, who still looks a little ill. Lance is always kind of pointy, honestly, but at the moment he looks thinner than usual, skin not quite the right shade of tan yet. It's another reminder of how close it came. And he's in pyjamas and robe and no facemask, which is just weird, and also shows how tired Lance actually looks.

"Didn't Hunk put you to bed?" he asks. It used to be easy to keep his tone a little hostile, a whole lot distant. Now it's an effort to keep emotion out his voice, distance gone, and that probably sounds just hostile, instead. He doesn't mean to, it's just... difficult. He still doesn't know what he's supposed to do in a lot of situations that involve other people and talking.

Lance laughs, and it's clearly uncomfortable and not entirely genuine. There's a hitch in Keith's thoughts there, a question of how, exactly, he knows what Lance sounds like when he's actually amused, but he's not going to chase it. "He did. I was there for a couple of hours," Lance says, eventually.

"You're not going to recover after a couple of hours." He's sure of that, and even if he wasn't, Lance is looking particularly limp right now. "Go back to bed, Lance. You look like shit."

"Thanks, Keith" Lance says, a trace of his old belligerance back in his tone. He takes a few steps forward, right to the edge of where Keith's personal space begin, and Keith can't tell if it's deliberate or instinct, but it is irritating Lance knows him that well on either level. "Why don't you let me know how you really feel?"

And Keith is frayed and heated enough to take a couple of familiar steps himself, lips pressed to Lance's hard and clumsy just like the first few times they kissed, hands knotted in Lance's shirt. It's messy, and for a moment Lance seems like he might pull back, before he gives in and kisses back just as harshly.

"I _feel_ like you almost got yourself killed," Keith says, after he's done, "and I'm still angry at you for that. Even if it was the best way to save Pidge, which I'm not convinced about." His hands are still clenched in Lance's pyjama top, and he should probably let go before Lance has a fit about Keith ruining his clothes, but he really doesn't seem to want to. Maybe because like this, he has proof Lance is still alive.

"It's almost like you care," Lance mutters, with too much of an unspoken question in it to sound properly flippant. Keith has to turn that one over a few times, because he can't think of a way to answer it easily, and obviously takes too long. Lance sags, and looks away. "Yeah, that's what I thought. If you did, you'd have come by to check up on me, right?" Keith finds his hands being unpeeled from Lance's clothing as Lance takes a step back. "Never mind. I'm going back to bed, now. You can stop worrying I'm going to mess up the team, or whatever the problem is."

And there's a tone to Lance's voice that's never been there before, small and hurt in a way he never usually is with all the melodrama. it's another moment of choice; let Lance go and they can go back to insults and distance, or-

Keith takes a step forward, arms sliding around Lance's waist, and it makes Lance stop just long enough for Keith to find some words, from somewhere. "I don't know what I'm supposed to say," he says, into Lance's shoulder, where it's easier and he doesn't have to see any expressions of pity or mockery or disinterest. "I want to call you an idiot and hit you, but I don't think that's going to help."

Lance actually does laugh at that one, even if it's short and still a little off. "Can't punch your way out of this one, sorry. Just- start _somewhere_. I'll promise not to ever mention it again, if that helps." 

But he does put his arms around Keith's shoulders, tentatively, and Keith lets him, stepping in closer, pressing up against him. He takes a few deep breaths, trying to get used to it. "I hate you," he says, even more quietly, and feels Lance go tense. "You show off all the time and you never focus on anything important. You're the loudest, neediest, least cool person I've ever met. You don't think twice about doing something that could get you killed, and then you demand praise for it. And I hate that if you _did_ get yourself killed, I'd miss all of that."

He feels Lance exhale, slow and controlled, and relax a little. Something warmer creeps back into Lance's tone, so maybe- it isn't the worst start he could have made. "Yeah?"

"Yeah," Keith says, eyes closing. "I hate that you act like every rejection is the end of the world, but you're at it again the next day. I can't- do that. It's easier just to keep people out."

"Yeah, I maybe noticed that one, not like it's incredibly obvious or anything," Lance mutters, but it's a more Lance tone and Keith can't bring himself to really mind. "Anything else you want to hate me for?"

"No. But when you said I didn't come to see you, I wanted you to rest up, that's all. I didn't want to interrupt your sleep when you needed it. Besides, coming to your room felt like it might be intruding. And I was still angry, and I'm not good company even when I'm _not_ angry. But it isn't like I didn't want to come see you. I just thought it might be too- I don't know. Strange. Outside what we usually do." Too clingy, considering all the times they haven't talked about it. The topic is a throwback to earlier, but he wants Lance to know it wasn't like he didn't think about it.

"...You really overthought it," Lance says, after a couple of moments. "And you think I'm weird?" He snorts. "You're not _that_ bad, Keith. I spend nearly more time with you than my friends, now. _I'm_ not the one who leaves in a hurry." The last line is pointed, and Keith flinches. "...Shit. Sorry."

It's a fair comment, though. Keith sighs, slow and soft, and gently pushes himself back. "You've got a point, though. I just don't-"

"-know what to say," Lance finishes, and his tone is too complicated for Keith to unpick, but at least there's something warm in the mix.

Keith leans in for a kiss, slower this time, because that at least he knows how to do. Maybe it can at least cover some of the gaps a little longer. Lance thankfully capitulates, but there's still that little downward tilt to his eyebrows after, and Keith can't help feeling a little bad. "...I'll try," he ends up saying, because he can't honestly promise more than that right now. "But I need time to think about what I'm going to say."

"It's not that hard," Lance says, but he doesn't push, and kissing him gets Keith a better response this time.

It also gets a shiver, once Keith pulls away, and Lance is starting to look even more tired. Keith nudges him, and he almost sways, before he gives Keith an unimpressed look. "Back to bed," Keith says, more firmly. "...I'll walk you there, if you want."

Lance must be tired, because he doesn't try to argue it. After a moment, they manage to pull apart,and Lance starts shuffling back off towards the bedrooms. Keith takes a moment to watch, undecided, before catching up and sliding his hand awkwardly into Lance's. It's not something they've done before, and it's risky walking through the corridors that way, but it nets Keith a tired smile and Lance's fingers wrapped around his hand, and that's a start.

Maybe he can live with naming it, after all, one day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I always feel weird and a bit clumsy with dialogue.
> 
> But yeah. Okay, Keith tells Shiro he loves him like twice, but that's in pretty heavy situations. And Shiro is not Lance. So- awkward conversation time, because some situations change everything, and Keith is still trying to find even ground.
> 
> If the next chapter happens, it would probably be a little more aftermath from this, and maybe the big Galra reveal in this alternate canon, because it changes quite a lot. IDK.


	5. Chapter 5

Keith is more focussed than usual, Lance realises, as the castle-ship approaches the beautiful- but really deadly- location of the Blade of Marmora base. He knows it maybe has something to do with the knife Keith has, mostly because he keeps staring at it when they spend time together, but they haven't talked about it. Maybe because the knife seems to be something to do with Keith's family, and that's always a weird topic that Keith _really_ doesn't want to get into and Lance has learned the hard way not to pry into.

They still haven't talked about anything else either, he notes, absently, despite Keith's promise to try. Then again, it's never been the best time for it, and at least their time together is changing, slowly, from rushed make-outs in corners to- okay, longer make-outs in corners, and Lance is totally not complaining about that, ever, because that's _fun_ when Keith is into it. But also, Keith seems to make a little more time to just sit with him. And even in the more public rooms, as long as they're alone, he's learnt that if Keith thinks he can get away with it and Lance is a little distracted he'll try to touch. Lean in, or brush his fingers against Lance's arm, a slow and strangely shy exploration for someone who is usually so straightforward and blunt. Okay, it's never big things, but enough to make Lance feel wanted.

It was looking pretty hopeful that when Keith had the right words, they would have been positive, before everything else got in the way. Now- it feels like Keith is pulling away again.

But there's other things to focus on now. Or half focus, at least, because some of his mind is still caught on considering how tense Keith is. He's not happy when the voice says two can go, and that's pretty obviously going to be Shiro and Keith, even if Lance tries to volunteer himself. Honestly? He's not sure he wants Keith going, if it means he's more distracted by that knife. But he can't stop it, and he might pull faces but he isn't arguing with Shiro that much when Shiro is in full leader mode.

Besides, Keith might make out with him, but Lance is well aware and still a little jealous of how deep Shiro and Keith's friendship probably goes. In an emergency, there's no-one he trusts more than Shiro to get Keith out of there. He just hates not being considered reliable, particularly by someone he's maybe sort of... _with_.

So he drops it, although with a loudly frustrated huff just to make his feelings clear, and doesn't care that it makes Shiro give him a disapproving look. Instead, he makes sure to catch Keith before he leaves, for a whole five seconds. Unfortunately, most of those seconds are taken up by Keith saying "we don't have _time_ for this, Lance."

Which does hurt, particularly in that impatient, better things to do tone Lance hasn't heard in a while, no matter how true it is. He backs off, hands up, rather than go for the short kiss he wants, tries to keep his tone light and his expectations low. "I just... wanted to say come back safe, that's all." 

He's not sure if Keith replies before they're both moving away from each other, and Lance really hopes that isn't some kind of terrible parallel to how their whatever-it-is is going. It weighs on him heavily as he's waiting, restless in his seat on the castle bridge, and Lance really doesn't want to explore that feeling but there's nothing else to do. So he picks at it, worrying at it until his feelings bleed, because trying to distract himself will probably get him yelled at again.

Lance is only seventeen, and he's self-aware enough to know he might not be the best person to try and deal with Keith's entire... Keith thing. Not when the raw edges are still there, and they both have a habit of hitting them even without trying. Keith can still be so closed off sometimes, and Lance isn't even sure he's aware he's doing it, which will make it harder to deal with. He's just also not sure he can back out now, because maybe he's only just past the surface but that still seems further than Keith lets people who aren't Shiro. He still doesn't want to push Keith away, leave him to deal with that kind of rejection, when he can maybe see what it would do.

It's difficult, caring for someone and being unsure if that's enough, or even a good thing. Lance has needs, too, and at the moment he's willing to put them aside, but that can't last forever. He needs a name, an idea, _something_ to tell him he's not the only one adrift. Maybe that's selfish, but he can't help it.

He's actually kind of glad when Red starts attacking the Marmora base, and he can focus on that rather than keep unravelling his own feelings. Even more glad when Shiro's voice comes through, and Keith is on the way back, although that fades a little when he sees the state Keith is actually in.

They get Keith in a healing pod, and even though Lance gets some odd looks, he volunteers to keep watch while people go do important negotiating things. He just looks innocent, and offers to help with the big planning session instead, if they need him there, and that does the trick. Which, ouch, but at least it gives him the chance to impatiently wait for Keith to emerge, maybe talk about it. It also gives him the chance to get out his armour, as guilty as he might feel about that with Galra on the ship, but he really would rather have a hug he can feel if he's going to get one at all.

He should let someone know when the pod opens, probably, but he's selfish and people are currently very busy with those big plans. Instead he waits, catching a groggy Keith even though he's pretty heavy for someone who looks so slender. For a moment Keith even seems happy to lean against him, head pressed into Lance's shoulder, one arm coming up around Lance's waist. But it's all too brief before Keith tenses and pushes Lance away, taking a silent step back of his own.

"Nice to see you too," Lance says, and then because he's never known when to shut up, just keeps going. "Something you want to tell me? Because honestly, today has been seven kinds of shit and I'm getting the feeling I'm not really wanted here, and I really could use some confirmation otherwise-"

"I'm Galra," Keith says harshly, cutting across the flood of words, and it's only because Lance has had time to learn some of the very subtle tells that he recognises it as not actually angry. It's something else, some fear or discomfort hooked deep in Keith's soul, that has him folding his arms and looking just over Lance's shoulder, face set in a familiar scowl. If he was actually angry, Keith would look him in the eyes. There wouldn't be that tiny crease between his eyebrows, barely noticeable. "My mom's knife- she was part of the Blade."

Lance should probably mind more, honestly. It makes things very different, knowing Keith is something- other. It hurts, too, knowing Keith doesn't really trust him to deal with the revelation, because if he did trust Lance he wouldn't be quite so awkward about telling him. The harsh tone, the short sentence- it's an attack, not an offering of a confidence.

But things aren't what they were between the two of them, and Lance cares, and he might not like the trust issues but he can cope for someone he likes for the moment. Besides, if Keith didn't care too, Lance is willing to bet he wouldn't feel the need to push Lance away quite so brutally. He steps forward again, arms slotting around Keith's waist like they always have, even if it's awkward with Keith's arms still crossed over his chest. "Yeah? Always knew you couldn't be human. Like, no real human would ever grow a mullet a hundred years after they went out of fashion."

"I'm _serious_ ," Keith says, a bite to his tone, but at least this time he doesn't push. He's not really relaxing, either, but Lance is used to small victories when it comes to Keith.

"I know. But c'mon, you're also tense as heck. Can't blame me for trying to lighten the mood." Lance tilts his head, trying to catch Keith's gaze, although Keith is still trying to look away. "Are you going to turn purple? Does this make me an accidental xenophile? I mean, first Allura, then you, I'm sensing a pattern here."

"No, it just makes you stupid," Keith says, but he finally does let Lance look him in the eye. Confusion is winning over distrust, it looks like, and that's good. He can work with confusion. "And no, I'm not turning purple. My dad was human, okay? I'm still half-human."

Lance grins, on firmer ground. People might not take him seriously sometimes, but Lance is a believer in the power of humour when it comes to breaking the tension. "Darn. Here I was, hoping to make great strides in the whole human-alien first contact thing, and someone got there before me."

Keith actually does unfold his arms for that, awkwardly swatting Lance's side because there's no real room for anything else, but that just gives Lance the chance to step in closer, arms locked more tightly around Keith's waist. "...It's not funny," Keith says, eventually, but he tilts his head back to look up at Lance, eyes still a little wide in bewilderment. Like this isn't a response he really considered from Lance. 

That's fair. It's not how Lance thought he'd respond, either, but it's the only tactic he thinks has a chance of working. Also, he has some words for past Lance, if they ever meet again. "Mmm... yes and no." Lance hums again, considering it. "If I take everything seriously, I'm going to stress myself into an early grave. Worse, stress ruins your skin. I'm too young for wrinkles, Keith." He leans in, lips brushing against Keith's, now it's likely to be okay. Bewildered is usually a pretty safe mood, when it comes to kissing. And it's kind of hard not to want to when Keith looks like that, if Lance is honest. "But I know it's going to be a big deal for you, and I'm really not sure how I'm going to cope with that yet. So. Humour. Makes life easier. And I know you have a sense of it _somewhere_."

"Are we sure _I'm_ the alien here, because I am not the strangest person in the room," Keith mutters, but also there are suddenly hands on Lance's waist and that's a good start. Acceptance, not rejection. It's enough to make Lance feel more at ease, at least.

"Hey, don't deny me the chance to appreciate having an alien boyfriend," Lance says, maybe too at ease, and then freezes, because that's a word he's never used before. "Although I guess we never really did get around to talking about that, either..."

Keith freezes too, tense in Lance's arms, and Lance is pretty sure he's going to pull away again. Instead, he feels Keith's hands clench in the sides of his jumpsuit, before he leans up for a longer, much less tentative kiss, one of the ones that leaves Lance's heart beating a little too fast because Keith is being confident and a little aggressive about what he wants and that really does seem to do things for Lance. One of the kisses that feels right, because they've spent possibly too much time on working out how to make it feel that way. "...No, we didn't," Keith says, when he pulls back, and there's a decisiveness on his face that's actually pretty comforting even if it's the same expression Keith gets when he's about to do something insanely reckless. Better reckless than reserved, in Lance's opinion. "Are you sure you _want_ a half-Galra boyfriend?"

"Uh... yeah?" Lance shrugs as much as he can, still holding Keith, and tries to keep himself sounding certain. Uncertainties can wait for when Lance actually has the time and mental energy to process them properly and get over them. "Be a shame to waste all the practice, right?"

"I guess it would," Keith says, and tilts his head the way that always looks like a challenge. Probably _is_ a challenge, because Keith takes his time sometimes but he can learn to understand people pretty well if he wants to. And Lance is, if he's honest, a little obvious sometimes. It wouldn't surprise him if Keith knows exactly what that particular angle does to Lance when it's paired with slightly narrowed eyes.

"We still have other things to talk about," Lance says, but it's a half-breathless aside as he takes Keith up on that tilt, focussed on that for long moments. They can talk later, hopefully, about the importance of saying goodbye before running into danger, and having some trust, and actually coming back _safely_. As in, not stabbed in the shoulder, holy hell Keith.

Keith seems to agree, if the "later" he manages to say between kisses is anything to go by, and that's all they say for long minutes before Lance remembers they should probably go find the others before someone comes to find them. Not much time, overall, but time they made the most of, Lance feels, even if he's still fumbling back into his armour as they leave the room.

And it's worth it for the way Keith holds his hand on the way back to the bridge, murmurs the word "boyfriend" under his breath as he looks sideways at Lance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, I guess I sort of have an official timeline, now?
> 
> Honestly for me S8 was a great look at Lance within a relationship. I don't think his relationship with Keith would ever go the same way, just because it comes from a rivalry to begin with, and this fic starts when Lance is still more cocky and less tired, but it does put me at ease about how soft Lance goes for people he is probably already in love with. So.
> 
> I'm not sure about future chapters of this happening. I have rough ideas- next chapter would be a skip to after Shiro's disappearance at the end of S2, most likely, and Lance trying to comfort a boyfriend who is a little too tense to accept it easily but still needs it. They're probably going to be much slower, though, just because now I'm tied to canon I have to pay a little more attention and I'm not sure how much more I can drag out tension without it getting Silly.
> 
> if you want to talk I'm [here on tumblr](https://adistantsea.tumblr.com/) or [here on pillowfort](https://www.pillowfort.io/adistantsea)


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A very serious conversation is had, and Keith wishes the people closest to him were easier to understand.

It's been a long week, and Keith is tired.

He knows people think he never gets tired, and to be fair, it's often true. He's got a little too much restless energy under his skin to stay asleep for long, and a drive that has him up and moving as soon as he's awake. How Lance can sleep so much, long nights and naps on top, Keith has no idea.

But between some very heavy reveals and the weblum and the thinking he's had to do, he's finally run himself down. He just wants a few hours of rest, before he has to get up tomorrow and start all over again, if his thoughts will let him.

He also wants to see Lance- his _boyfriend_ , a still dazed part of his mind seems to like pointing out- but it's late. And okay, they haven't really spoken for a few days, but Keith is very good at rationalising it. They're busy. It's late. Lance is probably already asleep. Even when he knows it's probably a cover for the worry that still sits heavy in his thoughts, he's still good at justifying not seeking Lance out.

Because it works both ways. He never expected to have a boyfriend. Like Shiro, it's a tie he never looked for, something given and not asked for. Like Shiro, it's easily lost- or even more so, given that Shiro responds to most provocations calmly. Lance responds by blowing up. And Keith knows, now, that it's more about Lance's own uncertainty than anything else, but it still makes things feel fragile.

He doesn't want to break it.

So instead of going to Lance, he goes back to his own room. He's just managed to make himself lie down, mind still running wild, when his door opens. 

"Hey," Lance says, still in the door frame.

Keith sits back up to stare at him. He's glad he's a little too tired for his tone to be too harsh, because all he can think to ask in response is "what do you want, Lance?" and ordinarily that would probably not go down well at all. As it is, it comes out softer than usual.

He's glad, too, that Lance seems too distracted to really take offence. "I thought hey, it's been a while since we got to see each other, and it's probably going to be busy for a while now, so we might not have much chance after this, either, and... maybe we could just... I don't know, share your room tonight? If you want to. No pressure, I mean, I can always just go sleep in my room like usual."

Maybe Keith shouldn't allow it. He's never had someone in his room before. It's been a long time since he was comfortable having someone in his space, particularly when they might see him vulnerable.

On the other hand, it's Lance. And even in the dim light the hall provides, he can see the way Lance's eyebrows tilt up and in, the way his gaze is actually aimed to the side of Keith. Lance is very easy to read, when he's not covering it with a deep layer of pretend confidence, even for someone as out of practice as Keith usually is.

He still surprises himself when he replies with a simple "okay", but he doesn't mind it quite as much when it means the corners of Lance's lips turn up, eyes slipping back to Keith for a moment.

Maybe the boyfriend thing is as shaky to Lance as it is Keith. It certainly seems that way when Lance turns, picking up a bundle hidden just past the door frame, before he enters Keith's room. When he gets to the bed, he puts his own pillow down, slips in under his own blanket. It's dimmer with the door closed, only faint teal lighting falling over them, but it's enough to make out Lance's expressions when he's less than a foot away.

"Thought it might be easier this way," Lance explains, entirely unprompted. It probably will be. At least not sharing the same cover gives him a barrier, a way of keeping a little distance if he needs it.

Keith still finds himself reaching out of his blanket, hand resting on Lance's side, feeling the way a tiny amount of tension seems to bleed out of Lance. It helps him lean up, kiss Lance briefly, still testing.

Lance doesn't seem unhappy. He even manages a quick smile, one of the naturally uneven ones that only show up when he isn't trying too hard. "Hey," Lance says again, more softly.

"You said that," Keith reminds him, not sure why it needed saying again. He tries not to think too hard about how different Lance can be, when it's just the two of them. That probably leads to places Keith isn't quite ready to go quite yet, self-reflection he needs a little more time to approach.

Lance makes a noise, apparently more amused than irritated, and rests his hand on Keith's cheek. "Soooo... want to tell me what's had you even more frowny than usual?" he asks, eyebrow raised. "Because from what I've seen, your eyebrows are in danger of becoming a permanent monobrow. Which would be a shame, on you."

Keith ignores the off-hand... well, he _thinks_ it was probably flirting, to focus on the question. Does he want to tell Lance? On the one hand, it's Lance, and they still sometimes catch each other the wrong way. They're still feeling their way towards sharing secrets, especially the deeper, darker ones, and Keith has never been good at giving much away.

On the other, watching Lance- eyes half-closed, dramatics on hold for the moment- he mostly feels warm. Lance came to him. Lance wants to be here. Something Keith didn't expect, even after things started changing between them.

His mind makes itself up, although Keith doesn't consciously realise until he opens his mouth to say what's been taking up his thoughts recently. "Shiro wants me to take over, if something... happens." Keith doesn't like to think about what Shiro might be foreseeing.

Just like he doesn't want to think about what it means when Lance stiffens, the lazy droop of his eyelids suddenly something harder. It's like watching a blast door drop. "Oh, does he now?" There's a strange, almost strident edge to Lance's tone, something that takes Keith uncomfortably back to their first days on the ship.

He wishes he knew what it was. As it is, all he can do is carry on, hope his instincts haven't let him down yet. "I don't want it," Keith says, and even though he's barely above a whisper it sounds loud.

It doesn't do much for Lance's expression, still taut. Maybe Keith jinxed it, thinking about how fragile their relationship was, because this certainly feels like his concerns coming back to haunt him. "No, of course you don't," Lance mutters, still with a harsher edge to it, and Keith shifts uncomfortably. He should let go of Lance, but instead he finds his grip tightening. Lance's gaze fixes on him, hard and harsh.

And then it eases off. Lance still isn't quite open again, but his hand is gentle against Keith's cheek again and he's less stiff under Keith's clenched hand on his waist. Keith swallows, and Lance sighs, leaning in to rest his forehead against Keith's.

"It's fine," Lance says. "Just talking to myself, like usual. On the other hand, what the quiznak is Shiro _thinking_ , dumping that on _you_?"

"I think he's just planning ahead," Keith says, drawn to defend Shiro despite his own discomfort. Shiro is still his oldest friend, still the one person who saw something in him from the start. It's nice that Lance seems to feel concerned, though, he has to admit.

Lance gives him a look. "Mmm. Maybe. But the fact he waited until you were alone to tell you isn't exactly the best plan he could have made. Clear chain of command is pretty important, even aside from the bit where he's putting a heavy load on you."

Keith blinks. He hadn't actually considered the chain of command thing- he's always gone his own way, more so. "So... you don't disagree with him?"

"I think if it comes down to it, we're quiznakked without Shiro no matter who gets promoted," Lance says, slowly, like it hurts him. "But I think we're even more quiznakked if someone doesn't take charge. Good thing you'll have me to back you up, right?"

It doesn't look like a good thing to Keith. Lance's expression is better, and he's looking at Keith directly, but there's still something a little closed off in the thin line of his mouth.

He does the only thing he can think of, and tilts his head back to kiss Lance again, slow and tentative. Lance resists, briefly, in a way he never has before, but it isn't long before he responds as he usually does. Keith can feel Lance's hand slipping into his hair, the way Lance's lips part slightly under his, something familiar in the middle of all the strangeness of the evening.

And with the familiar motions, the unfamiliar feelings sneak back in. Keith lets them, just this once, lets them push the kiss into something long and lingering.

By the time he pulls away, Lance is smiling again, most of the warmth back. He runs his fingers gently through Keith's hair, the kind of aimless touch Lance always seems so fond of.

"Want me to yell at Shiro for you?" Lance asks, a more comfortable teasing note in his voice. "Been a while since I got a really good rant in, this seems like a good opportunity to exercise my thespian talents. Bet I can make him feel guilty in under a minute."

Keith hesitates, because it's surprisingly tempting to give Shiro something to worry about in turn. On the other hand, he really doesn't want to disappoint Shiro, and he's pretty sure Lance wouldn't actually like yelling at Shiro. He shakes his head, slowly, and moves just a little closer to Lance. "No. I'll be okay."

"Sure?" Lance asks.

"Mmm." No, not really, but Keith can manage. "It's fine. I've got you, right?"

Lance opens his mouth, hesitates. "...You know you can't just say things like that?" he eventually asks, but his arm is draped around Keith's shoulders, so it can't have been the wrong thing. Not like earlier.

"Even if it's true?" He slides his own arm over Lance's waist, the gap between them smaller, warmer.

" _Especially_ if it's true." Lance huffs again. "Shh. Go to sleep, before you say something that kills me."

Keith still isn't sure what anyone is thinking; not Shiro, with his insistence on putting Keith in a position he's never asked for, not Lance, with his swift and often unreadable swings in mood. But it's starting to feel like a problem for some other time, some time when he's less exhausted and bewildered. He closes his eyes, curling in on himself a little, already drifting. "You too," he says, quietly.

"Yeah, yeah. Have you ever known me not get some sleep when I can?" Lance asks, wry. "Don't answer that. Just sleep, okay."

"Okay." He's never slept with someone in the same bed. It's not actually so bad, right now, Keith thinks. Warm, mostly.

He's barely aware of it when Lance whispers a quick "good night", enough to make a noise and nothing more. If anything is said after that, it's lost to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lance is still struggling a little with being selfish, wanting to be noticed- the fact Keith's been given something Lance wants, from someone Lance considers a hero, and doesn't care stings. The fact Keith is paying him attention is helping, but it's not an instant fix. But also Lance generally does care about the people around him. So- awkward conversation in which Lance is struggling with his own first thoughts, and although Keith is trying, he's still not really people fluent and isn't quite sure what he's said wrong.
> 
> Basically, trying to work them up to that S7-8 friendship bit, but with more feelings.
> 
> As always, if you want to ask questions or anything, I can also be poked over @adistantsea on tumblr.


End file.
